Love Is For Suckers

The dating scene today is….interesting. Love itself is a very intriguing topic. There’s so much that goes into it. So much of it that a lot of us in our adult age still don't quite innerstand. I certainly don’t. I know what I know but there’s always more to learn. Scouring the abysmal digital media tunnel that is YouTube, I found myself being recommended podcasts featuring single people or people in relationships who, in all honesty, would probably be better off single.

Let me start with my childhood. Girls never noticed me much and that could be explained by how reserved and timid I was as a kid. I didn’t make friends unless I was forced to or they took an interest in me and I went along with it; happy to have a friend but also longing to be more confident to make friends on my own. That didn't change until around the start of middle school. I got more out of my shell and was able to befriend boys my age but when it came to the girls, I was still very tense and awkward around them. I look back at it now and no one ever really educated me on social interactions. No less anything to do with romance. I asked my mom once, “how do I get a girlfriend?”. She said she’d give me the game but the game never came. I never bothered to ask her again. I didn’t innertsand back then but nowadays, I feel like maybe it was the single motherhood hitting her where it hurt the most: teaching a boy how to be a man.

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I had my first crush in seventh grade. It was the craziest feeling ever because before this feeling, me and the girl had been friendly all through sixth grade. I never saw her as anything more than one of the few girls I actually made friends with in my childhood. Summer came. Then August. I’m back in school, sitting at the cafeteria table eating breakfast, and she walks by. And all of a sudden, she wasn’t my friend anymore. She was someone I really liked and wanted to get closer to. I didn’t fully know why. I just knew there was something different about her. Something I suppose I hadn't noticed the year prior. I told one of my only other friends at the time, Christian, my secret. He teased me, as boys do. But he was cool and kept it between us. I explained that all I wanted was to talk to her.

I couldn’t….

I continued to feel this way, in agony, knowing that I couldn’t muster up the courage to go up to her myself. I ended up not talking to her much because I would get so nervous anytime I saw her. That hurt a lot. I often wondered how it made her feel. Soon, my family was moving out of town. This hit me hard. Not only was I about to leave my small circle of friends and would basically have to start all over, but now I was gonna be away from her. I didn’t panic but damn, I wasn’t thinking straight either. My last day, last period, in a fit of emotion, I wrote a letter admitting how I felt about her. The grand slam would’ve been to find her and give it to her, accepting whatever came afterward. But I pulled a COWARD move and gave it to Christian to give to her FOR me…ugh, that left a bad taste in my brain…she probably never got it. Probably did and cussed out Christian in some crazy misunderstanding. Probably embarrassed him. My friend. And here I was on my way to Raleigh with barely a goodbye, not having a clue of how any of it went down, if anything at all went down.

Fuck….I’m sorry, Christian.

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It sucks to think back on but it’s just part of who I am. It’s the most crucial element of my life/story. There was a time where I was terrified of talking to people and had bad anxiety. Fuck presentations, public events, family events, or even sending me to another class to deliver a message to a teacher. I couldn’t do it. I was so emotionally weak, it hindered every essential part of me growing up. It’s the main reason why even now, every day seems like a game of catch-up. It’s always something to go back to and re-learn, study, and memorize so that I could be worthy enough to call myself an “adult”….

I don’t care about any of that shit anymore. Society is shit and we’re getting closer and closer to the fan. Seems we’re starting to see how many people actually DON’T have it figured out. I digress. But dealing with my female counterparts was always something that I couldn’t ever really get past. I’m fine now. But I still like to keep to myself. I admit, after getting my heart broken by my first real love, it’s now more-so out of protection of my heart. It’s still a process. I have Self and inner healing to thank for that. I think that’s why I’m still struggling to find my groove in this dating world. Not that I want to be a skirt-chasing hound dog. I never really gravitated to that type of behavior. I thought it was corny. Many of my friends did, for sure. But I dunno. I was always more of a “let’s talk and get to know each other” type of person. It’s simple. It’s normal. We can get to the freak show later when we’ve gotten more comfortable with each other. Y’know?

But why does it seem like EVERYBODY’S having this problem? Like, what’s going on? I’ve witnessed relationships of all kinds, and they all seem to have a pattern of problems. Lying, cheating, abuse, bad habits, or my favorite: incorrigible differences, whatever the FUCK “incorrigible” means, I’m not Googling that shit…. It’s insane. I’ve seen people back stab each other then pretend like nothing ever happened. Hell, my ex-pal had a girl who was straight up fucking her girlfriend and just acted like it was nothing! Now that could’ve been some odd poly arrangement or whatever but I just remember he wasn’t all too happy about it.

Married women will cheat on their husbands at work, married men will bring a bitch home TO HIS WIFE if he has enough gall. This shit is wicked, man! But those are just extreme examples. Not all relationships are like those. They're just the kind that talked about the most. But the ones that I have just as substantial an impact are those miserable, desperate relationships that drag on for years. These people will do everything I mentioned above but at a smaller scale and for more sorrowful reasons. Some wives get lonely because their husbands don't show them the same love they once did. Or maybe a guy has a girlfriend who’s got a few too many toxic traits but he can’t bring himself to leave her. He needs a companion. So many unfortunate circumstances.

I see these podcasts of people going on about how horrible everything is and it makes me wonder. Why is it so horrible? Is it really the dating environment or the people doing the dating? I think it’s the people. Chivalry never died, there’s still plenty gentlemen/classy ladies in the world, and social media is fucking fake, so fuck whatever a podcaster has to say about anything, for real. Truthfully, I feel like there’s a lot of unresolved issues that people need to address. We have too many entitled people out here who can’t take accountability for their own actions. So when problems arise, they blame their significant other because it’s easy to do, especially when you’re a wicked motherfucker who devises a plan to blame them. (Yes, I’m speaking from experience…)

Let me refocus a bit. Because the main thing I want to discuss is people’s relationship with themselves. Why are we searching for love when we haven't healed the part of us that requires us to love? Everyone has gone through something and some people went through worse than others. That could play a huge role in their behavior. I’m not a psychiatrist or psychoanalysis or whatever, but I can tell you one thing.

You can’t truly love anyone until you truly love yourself.

Self love is everything in this world. You have to be whole with yourself before seeking another person to add on to your life. Because that’s how it should be. No one should necessarily be your “other half” but rather, your “better half”. You can’t expect someone to fix what’s broken in you. That’s not fair. They can help but you have to heal or get healed from a source. Any good source that can help you. I had to learn this the hard way but being rid of every person I thought was close to me. I thought people loved me. I thought they cared about me and my big dreams, when the whole time I was just a sucker….

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That’s what many of us are. Suckers for love. We blind ourselves with the desire of companionship because we’ve been told that love is more important than anything else in the world. But, ultimately, which love is better for you? Love for Self, or Love for All? Because not all will love you back. We all haven’t healed yet.

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Well, that wraps up today’s entry. I have other stories of my more recent adventures in the dating space. Namely, that ex-love who broke my heart. But I think I’ll just save those for another day. Peace and Love to you all. Thanks so much for reading my blog, I really appreciate everySoul who tunes in and supports my journey. I only wish to inform, entertain, and provoke. Your thoughts, that is. Stay tuned, stay true.

• Sincerely yours, Mr. Mogul 💎

[NOTE: I actually did have to Google “incorrigible” because I couldn’t figure out how to spell the shit…”professional writer”, huh?]